I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
this just has baby written all over it
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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