i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
