My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
