There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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