i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
