Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
