So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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