i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
