Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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