so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
