thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
