you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
