I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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