whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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