i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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