i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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