I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
