My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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