Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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