You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
