I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
