He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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