are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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