im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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