I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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