Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I would fuck him just for his dog
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