DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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