so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
