I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
