Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
