Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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