Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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