Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
