i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I will be naked everywhere
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
