Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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