I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Someone shattered a urinal.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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