Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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