my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
