Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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