im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
