you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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