My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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