I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize