Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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