i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
