Can Purell be used as lube?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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