the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
