There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
