He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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