OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
