It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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