you have to choose: penises or morals?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
