He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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