Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize