my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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