can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
