if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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