I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
